I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
