I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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