Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
