My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
