He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
