I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
