If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
honey bunches of taint.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
