You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
