He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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