i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
