the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
