if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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