I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I believe in your delicious
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I had to cum in my sink.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
