You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
