Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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