I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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