just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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