why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
