There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
