No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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