I faked an abortion last night.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
