All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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