she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
