What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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