I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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