We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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