I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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