omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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