good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize