No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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