I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
