Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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