Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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