Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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