There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
