You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
