Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
