Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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