I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
