I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
