Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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