I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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