My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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