When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
