how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
