NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
