i need an iv and a liver transplant
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
