he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
