ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
