I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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