I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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