And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
