I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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