just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
