if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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