I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
