She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
