yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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