I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My cat gives me a boner
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
