I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
