I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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