Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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